Park Avenue Divorce Tales

Last Thursday I remarked that there are only five basic divorce stories, and one commenter inquired as to what they are.  So, here is my wildly unscientific summary, based on my observations after 24 years in the divorce trenches:  

1.  Infidelity.  By a VAST margin the most, uh, "popular" of the basic fact patterns, easily comprising 75% or more of my caseload.  Ranges from garden-variety adultery (husband has one night stand on a business trip, or wife rekindles flame with senior prom date at her 25th high school reunion) to sort of mid-level cheating (husband has long-term liaison) to really epic infidelity (husband keeps string of exotic dancers/porn stars on the side).  The last variety is available only to hedge fund managers and other potentates due to extraordinary expense thereof.  

2.  Brief marriage; no kids; all a horrible mistake from the get-go.  What were they thinking in the first place?  A "starter marriage," if you will.   After a year or two of misery they split the wedding gifts and go their separate ways.  No harm, no foul.  

3.  One or both of them is an addict:  alcohol/pills/gambling/food/internet porn.  Complications ensue.  

4.  Already wobbly marriage implodes when they have kids; horrifying custody battle ensues that sometimes lasts longer than the marriage did.  These are by far the WORST kind of cases, and show people in their least flattering light.  I'm getting a stomach ache just thinking about it.  

5.  Long term marriage, with or without children, fizzles.  No big dramatic reason; they just wake up one day and "Eh.  Don't want to be married anymore."  

6.  (OK, OK, there are six, not five):  One spouse is a control freak and/or mentally cruel.  

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Where, do you ask, are all the horrible physical abuse cases?  Well, remember, this is a portrait of MY practice, of which such cases are not really a significant feature.  I'm not saying that none of my clients have ever been hit, or for that matter administered a slap/punch/kick, but it's almost always in the context of their epic final marital argument, often when they've already been discussing divorce and things get a little heated.   It's been nearly fifteen years since I had a client who was really a victim of chronic domestic violence.  

So, there you have it:  the six basic fact patterns into which my entire caseload can be categorized.   

 

Comments

[Martina]

Thank you. 40 and single doesn't sound quite so bad anymore....

[Martha Snow]

This is almost the equivalent of the "four food groups" but for divorce. I have visions of your assistant saying we got a #2 holding on the line.

For the record, I was a #1 but had he been in the #3 category perhaps I would have lucked out and he could have drunk or drugged himself into that Chilean mine or drowned in his own vomit.

[Karen]

Hi Martina: You are so right! I often think that the silver lining to the black cloud of my career as a divorce lawyer is that I have no illusions that married life = "happily ever after."

Hi Martha: LOL! It's not QUITE gotten to the point of my asst saying: "there's a #4 waiting in reception," etc., but you're not far off the mark. And of course, these categories are not mutually exclusive, so it's not impossible that your ex has become a #3. Let's hope.

[Odette]

I've never understood #4 - why does anyone think bringing new, helpless human beings into the world is a good idea when you're already not getting along with your spouse? Especially given the stress those first few years of having a new baby put on even the good marriages. (The absurdity of it would almost be a bit funny if it weren't for the toxic fallout that lands squarely on the kids.)

[Liz F]

Having had four children in a mostly happy marriage (30 years and hanging on in there!)I thoroughly agree with Odette.
Children are a blessing but they certainly aren't a sticking plaster and if the marriage is shaky, then having a child isn't going to improve things, it's just going to make another innocent person's life a misery. Even the most 'civilised' divorces leave scars on children caught up in the fallout - if it all turns nasty then the repercussions can be horrible, as I know from watching one of my daughter's friends deal with his parent's divorce.

[Karen]

Hi Odette & LizF: I agree with all your comments. Even the "best" divorces impact the children, and I always think that the cases involving really heated custody battles are going to turn those children into deeply scarred human beings. One of my colleagues just the other day remarked about a current such matter: "that kid is going to grow up to be a serial killer." It's appalling.

[JulieP]

Karen, I agree with you and your colleague. 99.999999% of the time, the only people I felt sorry for were the children.

[Karen]

Hi JulieP: You got that right.

[Violet]

We tend to get the same sort of cases in the counselling field. Sometimes, I wish people would bypass counselling and get divorced, but some "try and work it out", which basically means the wronged partner wants validation and "permission" to do what she/he is going to do anyway. I just listen and let them figure it out for themselves.

[Karen]

Hello Violet: I can only imagine what you see from the counselling perspective! Sometimes I feel as though I'M giving them psychotherapy...